A few to make you laugh

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" & 10 roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records & any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot & was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells & attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch & fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job & walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair a nd he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was that the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our p lanet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them wh en they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully; Sometimes the politicians keep the bells quiet.

Butch sound like a couple of ole pollies we have around here.... Kentucky that isss... Down out west that isss... over in the ccoorrtt house that isss.... Yalll be ccaarree ful you hereee...

cian could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on o ur planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing the m when they weren't paying attention.

What are you drinking Rocky? Sounds like I want some

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they h ad shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't rememb er it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'H ow soon do you need to know?'

Why that's ole Jed's, Granny's tonic... youuu seeee. ;-)

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horseracing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the race. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE! The bishop was buried the next day.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an accountant, the second was a chemist, the third was a computer tech and the fourth was a government worker. The accountant said his dog was the smartest. He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly

8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive .The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" the government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff boy." Coffee break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six month sick leave.

This isn't really a joke. Seriously.

One day my sun and I were going someplace in the truck. He was much younger. Maybe a tween or young teen. For some reason the answer to every problem or situation was, "Should have used a turtle." We were laughing hysterically for no good reason.

What do you say if you run your truck up on the curb? "Should have used a turtle."

What do you say when your truck falls off the jack? "Should have used a turtle."

What about if you get rear ended and it crushes the back of your vehicle? "Should have used a turtle."

It went on like that for several minutes. Both of us riffing off the other. It probably took use five minutes or more of nonstop, "Should have used a turtle," phony jokes before we started to realize how stupid we sounded.

Even still occasionally one of us will walk up on the other struggling with a problem and say, "You should have used a turtle." To this day I still don't know how we got started on that.

I know it won't make you laugh, but hopefully it will make you smile.

Seriously Bob?? "Should have used a turtle."

Ah-Yup!!

Only on a fence post....

(jees, city folk.....)

That reminded me of this one:

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance poli cy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an underworld figure , who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out his wife would be $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,but that he wouldn't have money until he co uld collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMET HING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bil l. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dol lar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocer y store. There, he surprised her alone in the produce department, and proce eded to strangle her. As the poor woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department came into the area. Not wanting to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager too. Unknown to Artie, the entire event was viewed on c amera by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intens e questioning at the police station, Artie finally revealed what had happen ed, including his financial arrangements with the woman's husband.

The next day the newspaper headline read.

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

Ok here is another that may hurt as well. Hope you's all can easily get over it. :-)

Three guys walk into a hotel. Tell the Desk Clerk they wanted a room. Desk Clerk says, that will be $30. Each guy gives the Desk Clerk $10. Desk Clerk gives the key to Room 306 to the Bell Hop. Says, take these gentlemen up to Room 306. Bell Hop takes them up the elevator to Room 306 opens the door and give them the key. He returns to the front desk. The Desk Clerk says, I think I charged those guys to much. Here is $5 take it up to Room 306 and give it back to them with my apologies. Bell Hop goes to the elevator and on the way up he thinks, how am I going to split up $5 evenly between three guys?? I will give $1 to each and keep $2 since they never gave me a tip. So he does.

Now each guy has paid $9 each for the room. $9 + $9 + $9 = $27 plus $2 the Bell Hop kept that equals $29 What happened to the other dollar??

BTW this has nothing to do with the missing dollar from the previous story. So it is unacceptable to think that dollar has now shown up in this story and vice versa. Actually there are now a total of two missing dollars that need to be found. Do you know where they are?? Check your wallet!!

On 4/26/2020 3:05 PM, RTS wrote: > On 4/26/2020 2:52 PM, Bob La Londe wrote: >> On 4/26/2020 11:22 AM, ABLE1 wrote: >>> On 4/26/2020 1:24 PM, Bob La Londe wrote: >>>> This isn't really a joke. Seriously. >>>> >>>> One day my sun and I were going someplace in the truck. He was much younger. Maybe a tween or young teen. For some reason the answer to every problem or situation was, "Should have used a turtle." We were laughing hysterically for no good reason. >>>> >>>> What do you say if you run your truck up on the curb? "Should have used a turtle." >>>> >>>> What do you say when your truck falls off the jack? "Should have used a turtle." >>>> >>>> What about if you get rear ended and it crushes the back of your vehicle? "Should have used a turtle." >>>> >>>> It went on like that for several minutes. Both of us riffing off the other. It probably took use five minutes or more of nonstop, "Should have used a turtle," phony jokes before we started to realize how stupid we sounded. >>>> >>>> Even still occasionally one of us will walk up on the other struggling with a problem and say, "You should have used a turtle." To this day I still don't know how we got started on that. >>>> >>>> I know it won't make you laugh, but hopefully it will make you smile. >>> >>> >>> Seriously Bob?? "Should have used a turtle." >>> >> >> Ah-Yup!! > > Only on a fence post.... > > (jees, city folk.....) >

You know I grew up where we still had free range cattle, I killed three rattle snakes inside my mom's kitchen before I found the hole they were coming in, and my first job out of high school was maintaining drip irrigation where the city slicker who owned the place wouldn't let us kill rattlers we found sleeping under a leaking pressure cap. We had to scoop them up with a shovel and fling them over the fence. All that and I never set a tortoise on a post, and I never tipped a cow. Those sound more like dude tricks.

I had an uncle who was born and raised here in NY. They decided that they w anted to move to Tucson for some reason. We went out to visit them back in the 80's and while we were there I noticed a .22 ga revolver sitting in the corner on the kitchen counter. I asked my uncle what that was for and he s aid that he never went out in the yard without it. City slicker that I am, I had to ask he why. He told me when they first moved there one day he went out to get the mail when a rattler slithered out of the mail box. The same day he went to town and bought the gun and from that day on carried it wit h him whenever he went out. I know something about guns and I don't think t here's too many people who could hit a rattler on the move with a .22. But I guess it made him feel better to have it with him.

.410 at close range cuts their head right off. Shovel is cheaper and works as well, but not as much fun. Don't think I ever shot one with a .22. If you got one coming after you aggressively its way to late, and its probably your own damned fault for screwing with them. That being said a snake that's blind while its shedding will strike at anything that moves.

I knew a few people who got bit by rattlers over the years. Every single one, but one got nailed because they were drunk and screwing with the snake. The exception was a railroad man who got nailed twice ... and was allergic to rabbit serum. First time he reached into a switch box without looking. Second time a few years later he had his gun leaning against a switch box when he spotted a snake. when he reached for his gun to kill the snake he found there was a second had crawled out next to the butt of his rifle. Yep. Still allergic to rabbit serum, and somebody had eaten the goat. Atleast that's the way he told it. We visited him in the hospital the second time. He never came back to work.

On Tuesday, April 28, 2020 at 12:55:07 PM UTC-4, Bob La Londe wrote: Reminds me if another story.

Two guys down in Florida decide they're going to go hunting. They figure th ey'll camp on the edge of the glades overnight and head out to the glades i n the morning. As they're setting up camp, Joe goes over behind some bushes to relive himself and all of a sudden yells out and comes running back and falls on the ground writhing in pain, holding his crotch. "Pete, Help me! I think I got bit by a cotton mouth snake right on my c#*k." Pete says "I d on't know what to do, but we just passed a doctors house I go get him" Pete runs into the office and yells " My friend just got bit by a cotton mouth. I need help." The doctor says, "Quick, run back and suck the poison our an d I'll see if I can get the rescue team up here in time to save him" Pete r uns back to the camp and Joe groans "What did the doc say?" Pete says "The Doc says your gonna die"

My Wife is (according to her) deathly afraid of snakes. (of any kind) Around here we have Garter Snakes, Black Snakes, Water Snakes, maybe a an occasional Copperhead and Rattler.

A number of years ago or better said ages ago we would go on canoe trips down some local streams and rivers. Because I did not want her jumping out of the canoe and walking on water, when I saw a snake on a rock ahead I would say, "Elongated Turtle" She would then freeze and look straight ahead. Once we were past the snake I would just say, "All Clear". Around the house when she would see a snake of any variety she would run to me and say "go to where ever and kill that snake". I would go and catch the snake and move it to another location off property. Lately she has gotten a little braver and takes it on herself to use what ever tool was closest. Shovel, ice chopper, or lawn mower to totally destroy any snake that got close. Last year it was a harmless beautiful 5' Black Snake that ended up in about 4 or 5 pieces on the burn pile.

keep them black snakes they'll keep the copperheads run off..

watched a matched pair of black snake and copperhead fighting for over an hour, but it was clear from the start the black snake was the winner.. sure enough, once the black snake did the copperhead in, he just moved on like nothing had happened..

Rocky's rule of thumb, if the snake wants to fight, kill-em. if they run let-em...