Last Laugh! When Marketing Surveys Get Off-Track

My cellular phone carrier called me (on my landline) the other day to do a marketing survey. They asked me if I had any plans to add another line to my account. I told them no, I live alone, I hardly use the one cellphone, so I can't imagine adding a line at any point in the foreseeable future.

The survey person persisted, though, wanting to ask me to rate on a

1-to-10 scale various offers relating to adding a line (e.g., 3 months free, or various other perks). I begged off, but it occurred to me that, had I been bored enough to sit through the whole list, my data would have been meaningless at best.

I therefore came up with my own revised questionnaire.

On a 1-to-10 scale, with 1 being "no way!" and 10 being "where do I sign up?!," rate the following circumstances for the degree to which they would make you more likely to add a second line to your cellular service.

A. Martians invade Earth.

B. You suddenly discover 27 previously unknown offspring.

C. You are diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. You need a second line to talk to the voices in your head. "Can you hear me now?"

D. Both of your arms fall off.

E. Both of your legs fall off.

F. Both arms AND both legs fall off.

G. Costa Rica declares war on Vanuatu.

H. You simultaneously win every state lotto jackpot in the U.S.

I. The widow of an African dictator gives you $27,500,000.00 (twenty-seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) to launch a new charity to PROTECT THE CHILDREN from accidental Tupperware-related injuries.

J. Breakthrough scientific research reveals that telephone area code maps are the most powerful aphrodisiac ever discovered. ("Oh, baby, wrap your arms around me like 801 around 385!!")

I think, in my circumstances, those are equally realistic hypothetical situations, compared to being offered 3 months free for a second line for which I have neither need nor desire.

Linc Madison * San Francisco, California * * primary e-mail: Telecom at LincMad dot com All U.S. and California anti-spam laws apply, incl. CA BPC 17538.45(c) This text constitutes actual notice as required in BPC 17538.45(f)(3). DO NOT SEND UNSOLICITED E-MAIL TO THIS ADDRESS. You have been warned.

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Linc Madison
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