OT: Murder at Safeway

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going rate for "snuffing a spouse" was $5000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he was able to collect on the insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at lest something up front, so the young man opened his wallet displaying the single dollar bill that rested there-in. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway store. He surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce departmnent stumbled unexpectledly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to do the produce manager in as well.

Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the store's video surveillance system and observed by loss prevention officers who immediately called the Police. Artie was caught and arrested before he even left the store.

Under intense interrogation, Artie confessed to the whole sordid plan, including the unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband (who was also quickly arrested). The next day the newspaper ran with the following headline:

Reply to
Frank Olson
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Back in days of old, there was a man by the name of Fred, who had a new idea to make some money. He would grow and sell flowers. People who lived in the country could get all the flowers they wanted but in the city, he thought it would be easier for people to buy them.

He had a great busines going for about a year, when the Friars at the local monastery decided that since they had nothing to do all day but pray and tend to their vegetable garden, that it would be easy for them to grow flowers too and make some money at the same time. Of course, because of their low overhead, they sold them at a much lower price than Fred could. Fred's business began to suffer so he went to the Friars and asked if they would raise their prices a little which would gain them more money and would keep the competition on a more even basis. They refused, saying that that would be cheating the public.

Fred went to the local Pub and was lamenting over having to close his business when Hugh McTaggart, the town strongman, overheard what the Friars had done. So Hugh took it upon himself to go to the Friars flower stand and ask them to ease up on his friend Fred. The Friars refused, so Hugh picked up the two Friars, threw them out on the street and proceded to destroy their flower stand, tearing it to shreds, leaving nothing behind except a warning that he'd be back if he found out they'd opened up again.

To this day, these events have resounded down through history and come to us today in the old saying:

Hugh and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.

Reply to
Jim

The old man sat on the log, explaining to the children around him the meaning of this special day in the history of the tribe, and the lesson to be learned.

The old man said, "It was in this jungle, many, many years ago that our tribe and the neighboring tribe over the hill were engaged in periodic fighting and raids on each other's villages.

"One day, many, many years ago, our chief learned that the tribe from over the hill was going to raid our village during the night. So our chief and his strongest men lifted and hid his golden throne in the rafters of his hut. Then the villagers retired to their own huts to prepare for the raid.

"Today we don't celebrate, but we just remember sadly the lesson learned that dreadful night. You see, my children, during the night the golden throne crashed down through the rafters, onto the chief's bed, killing him instantly.

"And the lesson learned, my children is this:

"People who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones!?"

Reply to
chasbo

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