A few to make you laugh - Page 4

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Re: A few to make you laugh
A professor had given a test to a bunch of students.  As each of the studen
ts finished the test they were allowed to put the finished test on the prof
essors desk and leave the classroom. Everyone had left the class except one
 student. As the time drew close to the end of the period, the professor as
ked the student if there was a problem. The student answered that there was
 one question on the test they he had a problem with. The professor asked w
hich one it was. The student said that it was the question about how to use
 a barometer to measure the height of a tall building. The professor said t
hat that should be a very easy question to answer. The student said that he
 didn?t know which answer the professor was looking for. ?T
here can only be one answer knowing how a barometer works. If you take a ba
rometric reading at the bottom of the building and another at the top of th
e building you can calculate the height of the building. ? That?
??s not the only answer,? said the student. The professor said  
?Well what other answer did you have??  ?Well?
? said the student,  ?I could go to the top of the building. Tie  
a string to the barometer. Drop it to the ground and measure the length of  
the string.? ? I could go to the top of the building and dr
op the barometer off the top of the building and time how long it took to h
it the ground. I could take the barometer and put it on the ground, measure
 how tall the barometer was, how long it?s shadow was, measure the  
shadow of the building and calculate the height of the building. I could al
so, go inside the building and starting at ground level, put the barometer  
up against the wall, and marking off the height of the barometer measure ho
w many barometers high the building was. And lastly I could try to locate t
he janitor and tell him, I?ll give you this barometer if you tell m
e how tall this building is.?  
The student got an A on the test.

Re: A few to make you laugh


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called "pullets" & 10 roosters, whose job it was to
fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records & any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot & was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought
a set of tiny bells & attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch & fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite
rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this
particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. John
went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job & walk on to the next
one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair a
nd
he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was that the
judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.  

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
 could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our p
lanet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them wh
en they weren't paying attention.

 Vote carefully; Sometimes the politicians keep the bells quiet.

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/24/2020 2:18 PM, Jim Davis wrote:
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Butch sound like a couple of ole pollies we have around here....
Kentucky that isss...
Down out west that isss...
over in the ccoorrtt house that isss....
Yalll be ccaarree ful you hereee...
--  

*Rocky T. Squirrel, esq.*


Re: A few to make you laugh
On Friday, April 24, 2020 at 5:35:23 PM UTC-4, RTS wrote:
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red
o
ht
te
s
hn
it
ext
ir and
the
lso
cian could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on o
ur planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing the
m when they weren't paying attention.
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What are you drinking Rocky? Sounds like I want some  
0 0

[_}

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/24/2020 5:49 PM, Jim Davis wrote:
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Why that's ole Jed's, Granny's tonic...
youuu  seeee.   ;-)

--  

*Rocky T. Squirrel, esq.*


Re: A few to make you laugh
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they h
ad shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities  
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now
 don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I  
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't rememb
er it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at  
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'H
ow soon do you need to know?'

Re: A few to make you laugh
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that  
there was a fortune in horseracing, decided to purchase one and enter it  
in the race.  However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse  
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that  
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.  
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper  
carried this headline:  PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the  
race again, and this time it won.

The paper read:  PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the  
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline  
read:  BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid  
of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby  
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid  
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day  
the paper read:  NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the  
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day  
the headlines read:  NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!  The bishop  
was buried the next day.


Re: A few to make you laugh

That reminded me of this one:

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young  
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance poli
cy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her
 killed.  A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an underworld figure
, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his  
going price for snuffing out his wife would be $5,000.  The husband said he
 was willing to pay that amount,but that he wouldn't have money until he co
uld collect his wife's insurance money.  Artie insisted on being paid SOMET
HING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bil
l.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dol
lar as down payment for the dirty deed.  

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocer
y store. There, he surprised her alone in the produce department, and proce
eded to strangle her. As the poor woman drew her last breath and slumped to
 the floor, the manager of the produce department came into the area.  Not  
wanting to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle  
the produce manager too. Unknown to Artie, the entire event was viewed on c
amera by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intens
e questioning at the police station, Artie finally revealed what had happen
ed, including his financial arrangements with the woman's husband.

The next day the newspaper headline read.

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT  SAFEWAY."

Re: A few to make you laugh

Ok here is another that may hurt as well.
Hope you's all can easily get over it.  :-)

Three guys walk into a hotel.  Tell the Desk Clerk they
wanted a room.  Desk Clerk says, that will be $30.
Each guy gives the Desk Clerk $10.  Desk Clerk gives
the key to Room 306 to the Bell Hop. Says, take these
gentlemen up to Room 306.  Bell Hop takes them up the
elevator to Room 306 opens the door and give them the
key.  He returns to the front desk.  The Desk Clerk
says, I think I charged those guys to much.  Here is
$5 take it up to Room 306 and give it back to them
with my apologies.  Bell Hop goes to the elevator and
on the way up he thinks, how am I going to split up
$5 evenly between three guys??  I will give $1 to each
and keep $2 since they never gave me a tip. So he does.

Now each guy has paid $9 each for the room.
$9 + $9 + $9 = $27 plus $2 the Bell Hop kept that
equals $29   What happened to the other dollar??

BTW this has nothing to do with the missing dollar from
the previous story.  So it is unacceptable to think
that dollar has now shown up in this story and vice versa.
Actually there are now a total of two missing dollars that
need to be found.  Do you know where they are??  Check your wallet!!





Re: A few to make you laugh
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an  
accountant, the second was a chemist, the third was a computer tech and  
the fourth was a government worker. The accountant said his dog was the  
smartest. He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.  
He divided them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist  
said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure,  
do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a  
quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly  
8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a  
little impressive .The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard  
Drive, have at it."  Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the  
computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent  
email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act  
to follow. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said,  
"What can your dog do?" the government worker called to his dog and  
said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff boy." Coffee break jumped to his  
feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the  
computer, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured  
his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working  
conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six  
month sick leave.

Re: A few to make you laugh
This isn't really a joke.  Seriously.

One day my sun and I were going someplace in the truck.  He was much  
younger.  Maybe a tween or young teen.  For some reason the answer to  
every problem or situation was, "Should have used a turtle."  We were  
laughing hysterically for no good reason.

What do you say if you run your truck up on the curb? "Should have used  
a turtle."

What do you say when your truck falls off the jack?  "Should have used a  
turtle."

What about if you get rear ended and it crushes the back of your  
vehicle?  "Should have used a turtle."

It went on like that for several minutes.  Both of us riffing off the  
other.  It probably took use five minutes or more of nonstop, "Should  
have used a turtle," phony jokes before we started to realize how stupid  
we sounded.

Even still occasionally one of us will walk up on the other struggling  
with a problem and say, "You should have used a turtle."  To this day I  
still don't know how we got started on that.

I know it won't make you laugh, but hopefully it will make you smile.

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/26/2020 1:24 PM, Bob La Londe wrote:

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Seriously Bob?? "Should have used a turtle."


Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/26/2020 11:22 AM, ABLE1 wrote:
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Ah-Yup!!

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/26/2020 2:52 PM, Bob La Londe wrote:
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Only on a fence post....

(jees, city folk.....)

--  

*Rocky T. Squirrel, esq.*


Re: A few to make you laugh

On 4/26/2020 3:05 PM, RTS wrote:
 > On 4/26/2020 2:52 PM, Bob La Londe wrote:
 >> On 4/26/2020 11:22 AM, ABLE1 wrote:
 >>> On 4/26/2020 1:24 PM, Bob La Londe wrote:
 >>>> This isn't really a joke.  Seriously.
 >>>>
 >>>> One day my sun and I were going someplace in the truck.  He was  
much younger.  Maybe a tween or young teen.  For some reason the answer  
to every problem or situation was, "Should have used a turtle."  We were  
laughing hysterically for no good reason.
 >>>>
 >>>> What do you say if you run your truck up on the curb? "Should have  
used a turtle."
 >>>>
 >>>> What do you say when your truck falls off the jack?  "Should have  
used a turtle."
 >>>>
 >>>> What about if you get rear ended and it crushes the back of your  
vehicle?  "Should have used a turtle."
 >>>>
 >>>> It went on like that for several minutes.  Both of us riffing off  
the other.  It probably took use five minutes or more of nonstop,  
"Should have used a turtle," phony jokes before we started to realize  
how stupid we sounded.
 >>>>
 >>>> Even still occasionally one of us will walk up on the other  
struggling with a problem and say, "You should have used a turtle." To  
this day I still don't know how we got started on that.
 >>>>
 >>>> I know it won't make you laugh, but hopefully it will make you smile.
 >>>
 >>>
 >>> Seriously Bob?? "Should have used a turtle."
 >>>
 >>
 >> Ah-Yup!!
 >
 > Only on a fence post....
 >
 > (jees, city folk.....)
 >

You know I grew up where we still had free range cattle, I killed three  
rattle snakes inside my mom's kitchen before I found the hole they were  
coming in, and my first job out of high school was maintaining drip  
irrigation where the city slicker who owned the place wouldn't let us  
kill rattlers we found sleeping under a leaking pressure cap.  We had to  
scoop them up with a shovel and fling them over the fence.  All that and  
I never set a tortoise on a post, and I never tipped a cow.  Those sound  
more like dude tricks.


Re: A few to make you laugh
On Monday, April 27, 2020 at 7:56:40 PM UTC-4, Bob La Londe wrote:
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I had an uncle who was born and raised here in NY. They decided that they w
anted to move to Tucson for some reason. We went out to visit them back in  
the 80's and while we were there I noticed a .22 ga revolver sitting in the
 corner on the kitchen counter. I asked my uncle what that was for and he s
aid that he never went out in the yard without it. City slicker that I am,  
I had to ask he why. He told me when they first moved there one day he went
 out to get the mail when a rattler slithered out of the mail box. The same
 day he went to town and bought the gun and from that day on carried it wit
h him whenever he went out. I know something about guns and I don't think t
here's too many people who could hit a rattler on the move with a .22. But  
I guess it made him feel better to have it with him.

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/27/2020 7:19 PM, Jim Davis wrote:
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.410 at close range cuts their head right off.  Shovel is cheaper and  
works as well, but not as much fun.  Don't think I ever shot one with a  
.22.  If you got one coming after you aggressively its way to late, and  
its probably your own damned fault for screwing with them.  That being  
said a snake that's blind while its shedding will strike at anything  
that moves.

I knew a few people who got bit by rattlers over the years.  Every  
single one, but one got nailed because they were drunk and screwing with  
the snake.  The exception was a railroad man who got nailed twice ...  
and was allergic to rabbit serum.  First time he reached into a switch  
box without looking.  Second time a few years later he had his gun  
leaning against a switch box when he spotted a snake.  when he reached  
for his gun to kill the snake he found there was a second had crawled  
out next to the butt of his rifle.  Yep.  Still allergic to rabbit  
serum, and somebody had eaten the goat. Atleast that's the way he told  
it.  We visited him in the hospital the second time.  He never came back  
to work.


Re: A few to make you laugh
On Tuesday, April 28, 2020 at 12:55:07 PM UTC-4, Bob La Londe wrote:
Reminds me if another story.

Two guys down in Florida decide they're going to go hunting. They figure th
ey'll camp on the edge of the glades overnight and head out to the glades i
n the morning. As they're setting up camp, Joe goes over behind some bushes
 to relive himself and all of a sudden yells out and comes running back and
 falls on the ground writhing in pain, holding his crotch. "Pete, Help me!  
I think I got bit by a cotton mouth snake right on my c#*k." Pete says "I d
on't know what to do, but we just passed a doctors house I go get him" Pete
 runs into the office and yells " My friend just got bit by a cotton mouth.
 I need help." The doctor says, "Quick, run back and suck the poison our an
d I'll see if I can get the rescue team up here in time to save him" Pete r
uns back to the camp and Joe groans "What did the doc say?" Pete says "The  
Doc says your gonna die"



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Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/28/2020 2:30 PM, Jim Davis wrote:
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My Wife is (according to her) deathly afraid of snakes. (of any kind)
Around here we have Garter Snakes, Black Snakes, Water Snakes, maybe a
an occasional Copperhead and Rattler.

A number of years ago or better said ages ago we would go on canoe trips
down some local streams and rivers.  Because I did not want her jumping  
out of the canoe and walking on water, when I saw a snake on a rock
ahead I would say,  "Elongated Turtle"  She would then freeze and look  
straight ahead.  Once we were past the snake I would just say, "All  
Clear".  Around the house when she would see a snake of any variety she
would run to me and say "go to where ever and kill that snake".  I would
go and catch the snake and move it to another location off property.
Lately she has gotten a little braver and takes it on herself to
use what ever tool was closest.  Shovel, ice chopper, or lawn mower
to totally destroy any snake that got close.  Last year it was a
harmless beautiful 5' Black Snake that ended up in about 4 or 5 pieces
on the burn pile.




Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/28/2020 4:50 PM, ABLE1 wrote:
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keep them black snakes
they'll keep the copperheads run off..

watched a matched pair of black snake and copperhead fighting for over  
an hour, but it was clear from the start the black snake was the winner..
sure enough, once the black snake did the copperhead in, he just moved  
on like nothing had happened..

Rocky's rule of thumb,  if the snake wants to fight, kill-em.
if they run  let-em...
--  

*Rocky T. Squirrel, esq.*


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