A few to make you laugh

Well either way, it should fit nicely.

A plumber and a brick layer who run into each other on construction sites regularly form a sort of friendly rivalry. Their on going argument is over who is stronger. The plumber claims he is because he has to haul giant pipes and tighten them up with huge pipe wrenches. The brick layer claims he is stronger because has to haul bricks all day long. Often up a ladder.

Finally one day at lunch the brick layer has had enough. He turns to the plumber and shouts, "Ok fine. Lets settle this once and for all."

The plumber looks a little bit stunned as he asks, "What do you want to do? Fight?"

"No. Lets have a contest." He grabs a red brick and a white brick proffering them to the plumber to pick one. "Pick either brick you like and throw it as high into the sky as you can and we will time it. Whoever's brick takes the longest to land is the winner."

The plumber takes both bricks, looks them over, and feels their weight noting which he thinks presents a better aerodynamic surface and grip. He selects the red brick handing the white one back to the plumber and says, "Ok. I'll go first."

The plumber goes across the yard and starts running towards a dirt pile as fast as he can. He runs up the dirt pile, crouching at the top and leaping skyward as he uncorks the brick into the sky. Swoosh! It makes an almost whistling noise as it raises towards the heavens. It might have been his imagination, but he could swear he hear a little "pop" sound as it punched through the cloud layer making a hole and a little ring as it passes ever upwards.

In the mean time the brick layer has been clocking the time on his wrist watch. 5 seconds. 10 seconds. 30 seconds. A minute. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. At 11 minutes 22 seconds they hear a clear whistling noise getting louder and louder. The red brick comes to earth with a loud thud making a crater several feet across. 11 minutes 37 seconds that brick was airborne.

"That's pretty good," the bricklayer says as he hands his watch to the plumber. "Now its my turn" Aping the plumber's run he takes off across the yard white brick in hand and launches himself and the brick from the top of the dirt hill. Swish! It goes so fast it almost seems like its accelerating. POP! The brick makes a hole in the cloud layer.

The plumber is keeping time. He wants to win, but he's carefully counting the seconds. He doesn't want to be called a cheat. 5 seconds. 10 seconds. 30 seconds. A minute. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. The 11 minute mark passes. Then the 12. At 15 minutes his amazement truly starts to grow. 20 minutes. 25 minutes. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. Still no white brick.

Finally the plumber realizes that their lunch break is long over. He hands the watch back to the plumber and says. "Well I guess you win."

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"

Bob La Londe wrote in news:r7f764$jcl$ snipped-for-privacy@gioia.aioe.org:

Bob and everyone else,

I thank you all for your posts and attempts to brighten my day. I take no offense at any of the posts. A couple I didn't get, but that is my loss. Please keep posting whatever you have. We need something to laugh at these days.

David

There was this realtor that got a call from a prospective buyer. The caller said he was new to the area and was looking for a house. He said that it had to have a lo'stau. So the realtor thought of the perfect house for the guy. They set a time and meet at the house. They walked through the front door and there was this beautiful statue of the Venus Di Milo in the foyer. The buyer looked through the entire house at his leisure. Returned to the front door and said. "I lika da house but there is no lo'stau!! Whata elsea you gots."

So the realtor was a bit puzzled, but being the professional he was he said there was a house across town that might suit. So, they met at another house. This house had a large granite statue in the front yard of Zeus. As well as a few other smaller statues around the yard of other mythical creatures. The buyer got out of the car and started his walk through. Once he finished he returned to the car and said "I lika dis house hasa well but there is no lo'stau!! Whata elsea you gots."

Now the realtor is trying to remain cool. But, he about to reach the end of his rope. But again being the professional he was says. I know of another house that may be of your liking but it will take a couple of days to set up a walk through. The buyer says "Datsa ok, you a leta me know."

A couple of days later the realtor has the new house set for a show. He brought in a multitude of statues from around the area to this one big house. There are statues at the gate entrance, in the front yard, in house entrance, small ones in the kitchen, in the basement, in the dining room, by the pool, even in the master bath!! Surely this will meet the buyers request. The buyer shows up. Does an entire walk through that takes over an hour. He returns to the realtor and says. "I lika da house but there is NO lo'stau!!"

The realtor loses it and screams at the buyer. YOU CAN"T SEE THE STATUES?? THEY ARE EVERY WHERE!!!

The buyer says no. Thatsa nota what I a wanta. I wanta one of dhosa dhings you a pick up and say "hello is dat you"!!

LOL. David. The apology was a joke in and of it self. Most people would assume I was talking about cops at the beginning. The twist was that it was about mathematicians and numerologists. Its a setup joke. Much harder to tell in person and keep a serious somber tone to tell it properly. I first added the setup joke at a fishing tournament where I told both the stop sign joke and the math joke at signup, and the apology joke at weigh in some 8+ hours later. Most people would have forgotten the very short math pun joke by the time you told the apology joke. Everybody gets a bit of a kick out of the stop sign joke so they remember it.

Its always hard to tell some setup jokes. It requires a bit of a time lapse in between and the same audience.

In this day and age its also a bit of a play on society's tendency to mark it as a badge of honor to be offended by something in everything.

The stop sign and the math jokes are stolen. The apology joke is my own twist. The first time at that fishing tournament I told it 100% off the cuff. One fellow was in pain for me as I was telling it. I could see it on his face. Total disbelief that anybody would be so truly offended by any of the jokes I had told earlier. The expression on his face when he realized I had set him up was priceless. What's hysterical is he was one of the few people who got the math joke I had told earlier.

Really the best place to tell this long setup might be at a math or physics convention.

I first heard that as a Polack joke when I was a kid. My mom is Polish and German (primarily) and she used to know all the best Polack jokes. Her maiden name was Clements which had been shortened from Clementski when her grandfather came from the old country. Very Polish. LOL.

Halo'Statu

You did a very good job of telling it in type, but its really an audible.

... and in his thick Polish accent he said, "I want a little halo'statu in the corner."

"A hallow statue mused?" the realtor. "Ok. People want what they want."

This is one of those areas were PC has destroyed a basically harmless racial joke. In this age you just can't tell it right without being branded a racist. Heck, mentioning the skin color of a cold blooded killer to help identify them to police can get you branded as a racist... unless they are lily white. Then its ok, but not if they are an albino...

Bob,

What I did in type was very difficult. I remembered the story in bits and pieces from way back when.... And started to type. I had to type it out correctly and then go back and started to put the audible in between the words to make it read almost right. As I did I started to remember more of the story until I got it a right as I could. Phewwwww!!

Thanks for the approval.

As for the racist portion makes me think that who would be more of a racist? The one telling the story or the one listening. Personally I never think of it that way. I just think it is a funny story.

FWIW when my Dad told the story I thought it is an Italian that wanted a lo'stau or halo'statu as you put it. Both sound good to me!! LOL

Les

There were three guys. Fred, John, & Merv.

Fred and John invited Merv to go along to there next meeting of the Joke Club. Merv was ecstatic and could not wait for Thursday night. He started asking questions about what to wear and what was going to be on the menu. Fred explained that the dress was causal and the menu was just soda and chips. John said that the meeting was very laid back and a lot of laughter was happening and was not so formal gathering. That is till there was a call to order. Fred then handed a small pamphlet to Merv and said that this was an accumulation of jokes that everybody knew. Merv took the 100 page pamphlet hope to read over in preparation for the meeting.

Finally it came to Thursday night and everybody showed up at the meeting hall. There was a bunch of introductions and small talk in the beginning. Then the meeting was called to order by the Grand Jokiest.

Someone in the front row raised his hand and the Grand Jokiest point to him. He stood up and said Number 87. The entire room burst into laughter. Then another raised his hand and he was pointed at. He stood and said, Number 122. Again the entire room cracked up. At this point, Merv figured it out. Rather than telling the entire joke it was just easier to call out the joke numbers. Cool!!! So he pulled out is pamphlet and found the one he liked the most. It was number 23.

Merv, raised his hand and the Grand Jokiest pointed to the fellow in the back row. Merv stood up and shouted out Number 23. No body laughed. What??? That was the funnest joke in the pamphlet he said to Fred and John. To which Fred told him it is always most important that you know how to tell the joke!!

On 4/19/2020 12:04 PM, ABLE1 wrote: > On 4/19/2020 12:32 PM, Bob La Londe wrote: >> On 4/19/2020 9:08 AM, ABLE1 wrote: >>> There was this realtor that got a call from a prospective buyer. >>> The caller said he was new to the area and was looking for a house. >>> He said that it had to have a lo'stau. So the realtor thought of >>> the perfect house for the guy. They set a time and meet at the house. >>> They walked through the front door and there was this beautiful statue >>> of the Venus Di Milo in the foyer. The buyer looked through the entire >>> house at his leisure. Returned to the front door and said. >>> "I lika da house but there is no lo'stau!! Whata elsea you gots." >>> >>> So the realtor was a bit puzzled, but being the professional he was >>> he said there was a house across town that might suit. So, they >>> met at another house. This house had a large granite statue in the >>> front yard of Zeus. As well as a few other smaller statues around >>> the yard of other mythical creatures. The buyer got out of the car >>> and started his walk through. Once he finished he returned to the >>> car and said "I lika dis house hasa well but there is no lo'stau!! Whata elsea you gots." >>> >>> Now the realtor is trying to remain cool. But, he about to reach >>> the end of his rope. But again being the professional he was says. >>> I know of another house that may be of your liking but it will take >>> a couple of days to set up a walk through. >>> The buyer says "Datsa ok, you a leta me know." >>> >>> A couple of days later the realtor has the new house set for a show. >>> He brought in a multitude of statues from around the area to this one >>> big house. There are statues at the gate entrance, in the front yard, >>> in house entrance, small ones in the kitchen, in the basement, in the >>> dining room, by the pool, even in the master bath!! Surely this will >>> meet the buyers request. The buyer shows up. Does an entire walk >>> through that takes over an hour. He returns to the realtor and says. >>> "I lika da house but there is NO lo'stau!!" >>> >>> The realtor loses it and screams at the buyer. >>> YOU CAN"T SEE THE STATUES?? THEY ARE EVERY WHERE!!! >>> >>> The buyer says no. Thatsa nota what I a wanta. I wanta one of >>> dhosa dhings you a pick up and say "hello is dat you"!! >>> >> >> I first heard that as a Polack joke when I was a kid. My mom is Polish and German (primarily) and she used to know all the best Polack jokes. Her maiden name was Clements which had been shortened from Clementski when her grandfather came from the old country. Very Polish. LOL. >> >> Halo'Statu >> >> You did a very good job of telling it in type, but its really an audible. >> >> ... and in his thick Polish accent he said, "I want a little halo'statu in the corner." >> >> "A hallow statue mused?" the realtor. "Ok. People want what they want." >> >> This is one of those areas were PC has destroyed a basically harmless racial joke. In this age you just can't tell it right without being branded a racist. Heck, mentioning the skin color of a cold blooded killer to help identify them to police can get you branded as a racist... unless they are lily white. Then its ok, but not if they are an albino... > > > Bob, > > What I did in type was very difficult. I remembered the story in bits > and pieces from way back when.... And started to type. I had to type it > out correctly and then go back and started to put the audible in between > the words to make it read almost right. As I did I started to remember > more of the story until I got it a right as I could. Phewwwww!! > > Thanks for the approval. > > As for the racist portion makes me think that who would be more of a > racist? The one telling the story or the one listening. Personally > I never think of it that way. I just think it is a funny story. > > FWIW when my Dad told the story I thought it is an Italian that wanted > a lo'stau or halo'statu as you put it. Both sound good to me!! LOL > > Les

A poor hunchback had lost his arms in a riding accident. He got by on the charity of others for a while, but living on the street and begging wounded his pride to much. He was determined to find some job he could do no matter how menial. Earning a living no matter how meager was better than sleeping in doorways and begging.

He went into every business in town asking for work. Most threw him out before he had the chance to ask. Finally he showed up in front of a church. He started inside when a priest saw him and said "Hey come around back. We will feed you and give you a coin."

"No. Replied the hunchback. I don't want charity. I want to earn my own way. Do you have any jobs I could do?"

The priest looked him up and down trying to appear kindly as he evaluated the hunchback. "No, he replied. I don't think so. Our bell ringer has passed away, but without arms I don't see how you could do that job."

The hunchback said. "LET ME TRY! I want to be a service to my community. Not a hindrance."

"Ok, you ring the bell at the right times, and you can have the job. If you can do it you will sleep in the tower, eat with the priests, and every Monday will give you a few coins you can use for the things you might need. If you can not do the job though you are out. We can't have a bell ringer that can't ring the bell."

The hunchback hurried to the church tower. Services would be starting soon and he needed to show his worth. He tried grabbing the bell rope with his feet. He tried grabbing the bell rope in his mouth. Nothing was working. He climbed the tower to stare directly at the bell. It was like it was taunting him. Finally out of frustration I got back against one wall and ran at the bell. He just bounced off of it and than he heard a gong as the bell rang. He had it. It was going to be hard, but he knew he had a job. He could make a living. He became the church's bell ringer. Each time he needed to ring the bell he would get up against the wall and run at the bell hard to make it ring. He did it as many times as needed. Whether it was to alert the town of an emergency, let them know services were about to start, or just ring the time. He took pride in his work.

For decades he performed the chore he had found for himself. As he got older his eyesight began to fail, but it was no matter. It was a big bell. He continued to do the job even if he struggled to climb down and back up the stairs at meal times. He continued on for years more.

One day he prepared to ring the bell for an important ceremony. He had decided he was going to ring the bell louder than ever. He got back against the wall and aimed as best as he could at the big blur that was all he could see of the giant bell anymore. He ran as hard as he could at the bell, but he glance off the side of it. Stumbling to recover his balanced he came up to the open window and fell to his death on the sidewalk below.

A crowd of townspeople began to gather. "Who is it?" one would ask.

"Where did he come from?" another chimed in.

One older fellow walk up to peer closely at the dead hunchback and said, "I'm not sure who he is but his face rings a bell."

One day this guy goes into a bar. The bartender is standing there and he? ??s got a big hump on his back.The guy says, how much is a dry martini? The bartender say?s $22.00. What? That?s pretty high.Well, how much is a shot of Tequila? The bartender say?s $15.00. Holy cr ap, that?s a lot of money.Well then, how much is a glass of beer? T he bartender says $8.00. The guy says, Well, Ok, Give me a beer. So they?re talking for awhile and the bartender says, ? ??Say, you?re a pretty nice guy.? Usually when people c ome in here they make fun of my hump. The guy say?s ?Hump? ? I didn?t know it was a hump. Every thing else is so high in here ? I thought is was your ass.? ??

(again, Thank you Buddy Hacket)

On Sunday, April 19, 2020 at 4:50:13 PM UTC-4, Bob La Londe wrote: I heard this one as the hunch back with no arms was Quasimodo's brother an d when he fell to his death someone found him and said "I don't know him bu t his face rings a bell" and someone else said "Don't you recognize him? He 's a dead ringer of his brother."

A brick

or to be more precise, a white brick

If that is correct then this is the funnest thread I have ever read!!

ROFLOL

Even if it is not. Doug nailed hands down!!!!

It has been almost 5 minutes since I read this and I am still laughing.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO

Ok, I am calming down now..........................

No!! This could go on all night!!!

Thanks Bob, even if Doug is wrong you have to admit that he nailed it no matter what the real answer is!!

Where do you get this stuff???

Oh, just checked. Yup!! Still laughing!!

Les

I have lots of little audible distractions for when I tell this joke in person. "Psst!. Out went the cigar." Becomes almost a refrain or chorus by the third time I say it. I've actually had people "sing along." I was hoping that somebody who knew the story or figured it out quick would not blurt it out right away. THANKS A LOT DOUG! LOL.

The most common answers I have heard are a cigar or a glass of whiskey depending on how far around the bush I chase the shaggy dog to distract people. Sometimes I'll drag it out so long even I am tired of it by the time I ask the question. Its amazing how much mileage you can get out of the interaction between a little old lady and a robber baron or a silicone pirate.

So... here is another one. If you take a rubber biscuit bounce it off the wall and try to catch it in your mouth what happens if you miss?

v v | | V . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

YOU GO HUNGRY.

I was looking up at the sky waiting for it to fall when I realised the brick was still up there.