A few to make you laugh - Page 2

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Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/18/2020 11:43 AM, Bob La Londe wrote:
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Bob,

Apology accepted!!  You clearly WIN!!

Please move to the head of the class!!

Nuff said...................

Les

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/18/2020 12:30 PM, ABLE1 wrote:
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Well either way, it should fit nicely.



Re: A few to make you laugh

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Bob and everyone else,

I thank you all for your posts and attempts to brighten my day.  I take
no offense at any of the posts.  A couple I didn't get, but that is my
loss.  Please keep posting whatever you have.  We need something to
laugh at these days.  

David

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/18/2020 7:47 PM, David LaRue wrote:
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LOL.  David.  The apology was a joke in and of it self. Most people  
would assume I was talking about cops at the beginning.  The twist was  
that it was about mathematicians and numerologists.  Its a setup joke.  
Much harder to tell in person and keep a serious somber tone to tell it  
properly.  I first added the setup joke at a fishing tournament where I  
told both the stop sign joke and the math joke at signup, and the  
apology joke at weigh in some 8+ hours later.  Most people would have  
forgotten the very short math pun joke by the time you told the apology  
joke.  Everybody gets a bit of a kick out of the stop sign joke so they  
remember it.

Its always hard to tell some setup jokes.  It requires a bit of a time  
lapse in between and the same audience.

In this day and age its also a bit of a play on society's tendency to  
mark it as a badge of honor to be offended by something in everything.

The stop sign and the math jokes are stolen.  The apology joke is my own  
twist.  The first time at that fishing tournament I told it 100% off the  
cuff.  One fellow was in pain for me as I was telling it.  I could see  
it on his face.  Total disbelief that anybody would be so truly offended  
by any of the jokes I had told earlier.  The expression on his face when  
he realized I had set him up was priceless.  What's hysterical is he was  
one of the few people who got the math joke I had told earlier.

Really the best place to tell this long setup might be at a math or  
physics convention.

Re: A few to make you laugh

There were three guys.  Fred, John, & Merv.

Fred and John invited Merv to go along to there next meeting
of the Joke Club.  Merv was ecstatic and could not wait for
Thursday night.  He started asking questions about what to wear
and what was going to be on the menu.  Fred explained that the dress
was causal and the menu was just soda and chips.  John said that
the meeting was very laid back and a lot of laughter was happening
and was not so formal gathering.  That is till there was a call to
order.  Fred then handed a small pamphlet to Merv and said that this
was an accumulation of jokes that everybody knew.  Merv took the 100
page pamphlet hope to read over in preparation for the meeting.

Finally it came to Thursday night and everybody showed up at the meeting
hall.  There was a bunch of introductions and small talk in the  
beginning.  Then the meeting was called to order by the Grand Jokiest.

Someone in the front row raised his hand and the Grand Jokiest point to
him.  He stood up and said Number 87.  The entire room burst into  
laughter.  Then another raised his hand and he was pointed at.  He stood
and said, Number 122.  Again the entire room cracked up.  At this point,
Merv figured it out.  Rather than telling the entire joke it was just
easier to call out the joke numbers.  Cool!!!  So he pulled out is
pamphlet and found the one he liked the most.  It was number 23.

Merv, raised his hand and the Grand Jokiest pointed to the fellow in
the back row.  Merv stood up and shouted out Number 23.  No body  
laughed.  What???  That was the funnest joke in the pamphlet he said to
Fred and John.  To which Fred told him it is always most important that  
you know how to tell the joke!!



Re: A few to make you laugh
A plumber and a brick layer who run into each other on construction  
sites regularly form a sort of friendly rivalry.  Their on going  
argument is over who is stronger.  The plumber claims he is because he  
has to haul giant pipes and tighten them up with huge pipe wrenches.  
The brick layer claims he is stronger because has to haul bricks all day  
long.  Often up a ladder.

Finally one day at lunch the brick layer has had enough.  He turns to  
the plumber and shouts, "Ok fine. Lets settle this once and for all."

The plumber looks a little bit stunned as he asks, "What do you want to  
do?  Fight?"

"No.  Lets have a contest."  He grabs a red brick and a white brick  
proffering them to the plumber to pick one.  "Pick either brick you like  
and throw it as high into the sky as you can and we will time it.  
Whoever's brick takes the longest to land is the winner."

The plumber takes both bricks, looks them over, and feels their weight  
noting which he thinks presents a better aerodynamic surface and grip.  
He selects the red brick handing the white one back to the plumber and  
says,  "Ok.  I'll go first."

The plumber goes across the yard and starts running towards a dirt pile  
as fast as he can.  He runs up the dirt pile, crouching at the top and  
leaping skyward as he uncorks the brick into the sky.  Swoosh!  It makes  
an almost whistling noise as it raises towards the heavens.  It might  
have been his imagination, but he could swear he hear a little "pop"  
sound as it punched through the cloud layer making a hole and a little  
ring as it passes ever upwards.

In the mean time the brick layer has been clocking the time on his wrist  
watch.  5 seconds.  10 seconds.  30 seconds.  A minute.  5 minutes.  10  
minutes. At 11 minutes 22 seconds they hear a clear whistling noise  
getting louder and louder.  The red brick comes to earth with a loud  
thud making a crater several feet across.  11 minutes 37 seconds that  
brick was airborne.

"That's pretty good," the bricklayer says as he hands his watch to the  
plumber.  "Now its my turn"  Aping the plumber's run he takes off across  
the yard white brick in hand and launches himself and the brick from the  
top of the dirt hill.  Swish!  It goes so fast it almost seems like its  
accelerating.  POP! The brick makes a hole in the cloud layer.

The plumber is keeping time.  He wants to win, but he's carefully  
counting the seconds.  He doesn't want to be called a cheat.   5  
seconds.  10 seconds.  30 seconds.  A minute.  5 minutes.  10 minutes.  
The 11 minute mark passes.  Then the 12.  At 15 minutes his amazement  
truly starts to grow.  20 minutes.  25 minutes.  30 minutes.  45  
minutes.  Still no white brick.

Finally the plumber realizes that their lunch break is long over.  He  
hands the watch back to the plumber and says. "Well I guess you win."

Re: A few to make you laugh
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same
 time.  The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On
 the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a
 beautiful gold watch.
 The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they
 got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so
 they trade.
 That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking
 at the watch.
 "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
 The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top.
  
 "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you?
 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you
 gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta
 you gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna
 be?"

Re: A few to make you laugh
, and what do you think he had in his
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A brick  



Re: A few to make you laugh

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or to be more precise, a white brick  



Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/20/2020 4:07 PM, doug wrote:
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Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/20/2020 4:07 PM, doug wrote:
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If that is correct then this is the funnest thread I have ever read!!

ROFLOL

Even if it is not.  Doug nailed hands down!!!!


Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/20/2020 4:07 PM, doug wrote:
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It has been almost 5 minutes since I read this and I am still laughing.

LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL

ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO

Ok, I am calming down now..........................

No!!  This could go on all night!!!

Thanks Bob, even if Doug is wrong you have to admit
that he nailed it no matter what the real answer is!!

Where do you get this stuff???

Oh, just checked.  Yup!! Still laughing!!

Les

Re: A few to make you laugh

On 4/20/2020 1:35 PM, ABLE1 wrote:
 > On 4/20/2020 4:07 PM, doug wrote:
 >>> , and what do you think he had in his
 >>>> mouth?
 >>>
 >>> A brick
 >> or to be more precise, a white brick
 >>
 >>
 >
 >
 > It has been almost 5 minutes since I read this and I am still laughing.
 >
 > LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL   LOL
 >
 > ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO    ROFLMAO
 >
 > Ok, I am calming down now..........................
 >
 > No!!  This could go on all night!!!
 >
 > Thanks Bob, even if Doug is wrong you have to admit
 > that he nailed it no matter what the real answer is!!
 >
 > Where do you get this stuff???
 >
 > Oh, just checked.  Yup!! Still laughing!!
 >
 > Les


I have lots of little audible distractions for when I tell this joke in  
person.  "Psst!.  Out went the cigar." Becomes almost a refrain or  
chorus by the third time I say it.  I've actually had people "sing  
along."  I was hoping that somebody who knew the story or figured it out  
quick would not blurt it out right away. THANKS A LOT DOUG!  LOL.

The most common answers I have heard are a cigar or a glass of whiskey  
depending on how far around the bush I chase the shaggy dog to distract  
people.  Sometimes I'll drag it out so long even I am tired of it by the  
time I ask the question.  Its amazing how much mileage you can get out  
of the interaction between a little old lady and a robber baron or a  
silicone pirate.



So... here is another one.  If you take a rubber biscuit bounce it off  
the wall and try to catch it in your mouth what happens if you miss?

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YOU GO HUNGRY.

Re: A few to make you laugh

  I was hoping that somebody who knew the story or figured it out
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I was looking up at the sky waiting for it to fall when I realised the brick  
was still up there.




Re: A few to make you laugh
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she  
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing  
paper.  What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary  
told her.  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of  
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed  
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and  
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the  
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise  
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a  
dollar.

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the operations department in the  
central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when  
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a  
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke  
coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science class, when the  
teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the  
year.  My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I  
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual  
amount! t of time.  Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a  
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy  
machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police  
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't  
telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Re: A few to make you laugh
A FEW FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL....

When I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order  
of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We  
don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You  
don't?"  I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.  
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's
right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple  
of  months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few  
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I  
picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register  
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the  
girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it  
all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code
she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've  
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I  
paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just  
happened.....

 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!! A lady at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very  
quickly.  When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was  
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,  
so she was using the ATM "thingy".


 >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you  
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced  
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.  
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a  
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I  
asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the  
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I  
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries  
it's a long walk.

Re: A few to make you laugh
There was this realtor that got a call from a prospective buyer.
The caller said he was new to the area and was looking for a house.
He said that it had to have a lo'stau.  So the realtor thought of
the perfect house for the guy.  They set a time and meet at the house.
They walked through the front door and there was this beautiful statue
of the Venus Di Milo in the foyer.  The buyer looked through the entire
house at his leisure.  Returned to the front door and said.
"I lika da house but there is no lo'stau!!  Whata elsea you gots."

So the realtor was a bit puzzled, but being the professional he was
he said there was a house across town that might suit.  So, they
met at another house.  This house had a large granite statue in the
front yard of Zeus.  As well as a few other smaller statues around
the yard of other mythical creatures.  The buyer got out of the car
and started his walk through.  Once he finished he returned to the
car and said  "I lika dis house hasa well but there is no lo'stau!!  
Whata elsea you gots."

Now the realtor is trying to remain cool.  But, he about to reach
the end of his rope.  But again being the professional he was says.
I know of another house that may be of your liking but it will take
a couple of days to set up a walk through.
The buyer says "Datsa ok, you a leta me know."

A couple of days later the realtor has the new house set for a show.
He brought in a multitude of statues from around the area to this one
big house.  There are statues at the gate entrance, in the front yard,
in house entrance, small ones in the kitchen, in the basement, in the
dining room, by the pool, even in the master bath!!  Surely this will
meet the buyers request.  The buyer shows up.  Does an entire walk
through that takes over an hour.  He returns to the realtor and says.
"I lika da house but there is NO lo'stau!!"

The realtor loses it and screams at the buyer.
YOU CAN"T SEE THE STATUES?? THEY ARE EVERY WHERE!!!

The buyer says no.  Thatsa nota what I a wanta.  I wanta one of
dhosa dhings you a pick up and say "hello is dat you"!!








Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/19/2020 9:08 AM, ABLE1 wrote:
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I first heard that as a Polack joke when I was a kid.  My mom is Polish  
and German (primarily) and she used to know all the best Polack jokes.  
Her maiden name was Clements which had been shortened from Clementski  
when her grandfather came from the old country.  Very Polish.  LOL.

Halo'Statu

You did a very good job of telling it in type, but its really an audible.

... and in his thick Polish accent he said, "I want a little halo'statu  
in the corner."

"A hallow statue mused?" the realtor.  "Ok.  People want what they want."

This is one of those areas were PC has destroyed a basically harmless  
racial joke.  In this age you just can't tell it right without being  
branded a racist.  Heck, mentioning the skin color of a cold blooded  
killer to help identify them to police can get you branded as a  
racist... unless they are lily white.  Then its ok, but not if they are  
an albino...

Re: A few to make you laugh
On 4/19/2020 12:32 PM, Bob La Londe wrote:
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Bob,

What I did in type was very difficult.  I remembered the story in bits
and pieces from way back when.... And started to type.  I had to type it
out correctly and then go back and started to put the audible in between
the words to make it read almost right.  As I did I started to remember
more of the story until I got it a right as I could.  Phewwwww!!

Thanks for the approval.

As for the racist portion makes me think that who would be more of a
racist?  The one telling the story or the one listening.  Personally
I never think of it that way.  I just think it is a funny story.

FWIW when my Dad told the story I thought it is an Italian that wanted
a lo'stau or halo'statu as you put it.  Both sound good to me!!  LOL

Les

Re: A few to make you laugh

On 4/19/2020 12:04 PM, ABLE1 wrote:
 > On 4/19/2020 12:32 PM, Bob La Londe wrote:
 >> On 4/19/2020 9:08 AM, ABLE1 wrote:
 >>> There was this realtor that got a call from a prospective buyer.
 >>> The caller said he was new to the area and was looking for a house.
 >>> He said that it had to have a lo'stau.  So the realtor thought of
 >>> the perfect house for the guy.  They set a time and meet at the house.
 >>> They walked through the front door and there was this beautiful statue
 >>> of the Venus Di Milo in the foyer.  The buyer looked through the entire
 >>> house at his leisure.  Returned to the front door and said.
 >>> "I lika da house but there is no lo'stau!!  Whata elsea you gots."
 >>>
 >>> So the realtor was a bit puzzled, but being the professional he was
 >>> he said there was a house across town that might suit.  So, they
 >>> met at another house.  This house had a large granite statue in the
 >>> front yard of Zeus.  As well as a few other smaller statues around
 >>> the yard of other mythical creatures.  The buyer got out of the car
 >>> and started his walk through.  Once he finished he returned to the
 >>> car and said  "I lika dis house hasa well but there is no lo'stau!!  
Whata elsea you gots."
 >>>
 >>> Now the realtor is trying to remain cool.  But, he about to reach
 >>> the end of his rope.  But again being the professional he was says.
 >>> I know of another house that may be of your liking but it will take
 >>> a couple of days to set up a walk through.
 >>> The buyer says "Datsa ok, you a leta me know."
 >>>
 >>> A couple of days later the realtor has the new house set for a show.
 >>> He brought in a multitude of statues from around the area to this one
 >>> big house.  There are statues at the gate entrance, in the front yard,
 >>> in house entrance, small ones in the kitchen, in the basement, in the
 >>> dining room, by the pool, even in the master bath!!  Surely this will
 >>> meet the buyers request.  The buyer shows up.  Does an entire walk
 >>> through that takes over an hour.  He returns to the realtor and says.
 >>> "I lika da house but there is NO lo'stau!!"
 >>>
 >>> The realtor loses it and screams at the buyer.
 >>> YOU CAN"T SEE THE STATUES?? THEY ARE EVERY WHERE!!!
 >>>
 >>> The buyer says no.  Thatsa nota what I a wanta.  I wanta one of
 >>> dhosa dhings you a pick up and say "hello is dat you"!!
 >>>
 >>
 >> I first heard that as a Polack joke when I was a kid.  My mom is  
Polish and German (primarily) and she used to know all the best Polack  
jokes. Her maiden name was Clements which had been shortened from  
Clementski when her grandfather came from the old country.  Very Polish.  
  LOL.
 >>
 >> Halo'Statu
 >>
 >> You did a very good job of telling it in type, but its really an  
audible.
 >>
 >> ... and in his thick Polish accent he said, "I want a little  
halo'statu in the corner."
 >>
 >> "A hallow statue mused?" the realtor.  "Ok.  People want what they  
want."
 >>
 >> This is one of those areas were PC has destroyed a basically  
harmless racial joke.  In this age you just can't tell it right without  
being branded a racist.  Heck, mentioning the skin color of a cold  
blooded killer to help identify them to police can get you branded as a  
racist... unless they are lily white.  Then its ok, but not if they are  
an albino...
 >
 >
 > Bob,
 >
 > What I did in type was very difficult.  I remembered the story in bits
 > and pieces from way back when.... And started to type.  I had to type it
 > out correctly and then go back and started to put the audible in between
 > the words to make it read almost right.  As I did I started to remember
 > more of the story until I got it a right as I could.  Phewwwww!!
 >
 > Thanks for the approval.
 >
 > As for the racist portion makes me think that who would be more of a
 > racist?  The one telling the story or the one listening.  Personally
 > I never think of it that way.  I just think it is a funny story.
 >
 > FWIW when my Dad told the story I thought it is an Italian that wanted
 > a lo'stau or halo'statu as you put it.  Both sound good to me!!  LOL
 >
 > Les


A poor hunchback had lost his arms in a riding accident.  He got by on  
the charity of others for a while, but living on the street and begging  
wounded his pride to much.  He was determined to find some job he could  
do no matter how menial.  Earning a living no matter how meager was  
better than sleeping in doorways and begging.

He went into every business in town asking for work.  Most threw him out  
before he had the chance to ask.  Finally he showed up in front of a  
church.  He started inside when a priest saw him and said "Hey come  
around back.  We will feed you and give you a coin."

"No.  Replied the hunchback.  I don't want charity.  I want to earn my  
own way.  Do you have any jobs I could do?"

The priest looked him up and down trying to appear kindly as he  
evaluated the hunchback.  "No, he replied. I don't think so.  Our bell  
ringer has passed away, but without arms I don't see how you could do  
that job."

The hunchback said.  "LET ME TRY!  I want to be a service to my  
community.  Not a hindrance."

"Ok, you ring the bell at the right times, and you can have the job.  If  
you can do it you will sleep in the tower, eat with the priests, and  
every Monday will give you a few coins you can use for the things you  
might need.  If you can not do the job though you are out.  We can't  
have a bell ringer that can't ring the bell."

The hunchback hurried to the church tower.  Services would be starting  
soon and he needed to show his worth.  He tried grabbing the bell rope  
with his feet.  He tried grabbing the bell rope in his mouth.  Nothing  
was working.  He climbed the tower to stare directly at the bell.  It  
was like it was taunting him.  Finally out of frustration I got back  
against one wall and ran at the bell.  He just bounced off of it and  
than he heard a gong as the bell rang.  He had it.  It was going to be  
hard, but he knew he had a job.  He could make a living.  He became the  
church's bell ringer.  Each time he needed to ring the bell he would get  
up against the wall and run at the bell hard to make it ring.  He did it  
as many times as needed.  Whether it was to alert the town of an  
emergency, let them know services were about to start, or just ring the  
time.  He took pride in his work.

For decades he performed the chore he had found for himself.  As he got  
older his eyesight began to fail, but it was no matter.  It was a big  
bell.  He continued to do the job even if he struggled to climb down and  
back up the stairs at meal times.  He continued on for years more.

One day he prepared to ring the bell for an important ceremony.  He had  
decided he was going to ring the bell louder than ever. He got back  
against the wall and aimed as best as he could at the big blur that was  
all he could see of the giant bell anymore.  He ran as hard as he could  
at the bell, but he glance off the side of it.  Stumbling to recover his  
balanced he came up to the open window and fell to his death on the  
sidewalk below.

A crowd of townspeople began to gather.  "Who is it?" one would ask.

"Where did he come from?" another chimed in.

One older fellow walk up to peer closely at the dead hunchback and said,  
"I'm not sure who he is but his face rings a bell."



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