A few to make you laugh

One sunny Sunday morning the local pastor looks out the window and can't imagine going to church. The local lake is just a calling his name. Officiating a service at his church just has no appeal to compete with sitting out on the water. He feels guilty, but eventually he gives in to temptation, calls the bishop and say he doesn't feel well. Somebody else is going to have to cover his service.

After making sure nobody is around to see he hooks his boat up to the station wagon and heads for the lake.

On his first cast he hooks a big one. Bam! Landed! Wow! What a way to start a fishing trip! A few casts later he sticks another one bigger than the last. Its like that all morning. Fish after fish. All brutes. Its one of the greatest days of fishing he has ever had, and he likes to fish so that's saying something. As it rolls into the afternoon the bite starts to slow down a little. He begins to think about calling it a day when a tug on the line nearly jerks the rod out of his hands. Its a big one. A monster. After an a fight that nearly exhausts him he finally is able to lead the fish upto the boat and land it. Its not just the biggest fish he has ever caught. Its the biggest fish he has ever seen. An absolute monster. Finally he loads up the boat and heads for home.

Meanwhile up in heaven God and Saint Peter are standing on a cloud looking down over the railing watching it all happen. Peter shows signs of frustration and concern, but the whole time God is grinning bigger and bigger. Finally at the end St Peter turns to God and asks, "How could you allow that to happen? Sure i get it that some good ol' boy may not go to church so he can go fishing, but this is a man of God. A pastor. I preacher of the word of God. He not only played hooky from church and failed to perform his duties he bore false witness to the bishop. Then you REWARD THIS BEHAVIOR!" Peter is shouting now he is so upset and God just keeps grinning.

God finally held up a hand to stop Peter's tirade and reply, "I didn't just allowed him to catch the fish of a lifetime, and it is the biggest fish he will ever catch, I caused it to happen, but... who's he going to tell?"

All very good laughs so far. These may not be as good but, here are a few funnies found elsewhere that are to these times we be having.

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I?m cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven?t decided where to go for Easter -?? The Living Room or The Bedroom

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don?t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we?d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I?m so excited -? it?s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyards. I?m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said ?I hope I don?t have the same teacher next year?.... I?m offended.

So my friend Brad and I managed to duck the gendarmes during this time of social distancing and meet up for a bit of fishing on our local waters. We kept our distance in the boat of course. As we came up to the bridge at the north end of the reservoir I happened to notice a funeral procession passing by. Brad set down his fishing pole, doffed his hat and stood there with his head down in silent prayer until the procession had passed. I was amazed. I've never seen anything like a sign of piety out of Brad before. I had to say something.

"Wow Brad. I had no idea you had so much respect for the dead."

"Yeah. It was the least I could do. I was married to that woman for 30 years," he replied.

Fresh from her shower, the wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband, that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her "it's not so", he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, she grabs a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks . "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. She stops rubbing. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?

A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kind s of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there's fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic te lls him it'll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is. The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the pr oblem. The mechanic looks up and tells him "Looks like you've blown a seal." And the penguin says " No, NO! really, honest, its just ice cream".

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I wan t you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use a nd get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell the m?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... _ / \ | | O \ _ / and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (sm all circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 1

56 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did y ou manage to do that!""Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) _ / \ O | | \ _ / I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

So I was back in the back of Island Lake the other day. On the west end between the big island and the smaller island there is a little jut of rock sticking out. Maybe a foot wide and foot and a half long. As I round the corner to head between the islands while fishing I noticed a bunch of trash in the water and on the island. What really got my attention was a single peanut sitting right on the tip of that little rock jutting out into the water.

If you have ever been there you know how pretty Island Lake is. Its a long tight channel in from the river and its all no wake so the party crowd rarely makes it back there. As a result it rarely gets trashed like other areas. I was a bit disgusted with all the trash so I dug a trash bag out of the locker under my seat and started dipping up trash with my landing net.

As I was moving around on the electric motor scooping trash I noticed a ground squirrel up on the big island who was chittering away. I'd never heard one make such a racket. I figured maybe it had babies and I was getting to close so I backed the boat off a little to see what it would do. It bolted down the hillside and grabbed that peanut. It was so proud of itself chattering away happily standing there on that little rock point holding that peanut up like a trophy. It made me smile.

Then an explosion happened as a giant bass leaped over that little rock point swallowing the ground squirrel whole as he passed.

At first I was just stunned. Then in a second the shock wore off. I dropped my net and my trash bag to scramble around in the boat for any kind of lure that might resemble a ground squirrel. Out of the corner of my eye I saw some movement over by that little point. A gigantic bass was nosing a peanut up on that little rock point. As I realized what was happening he turned in my direction, winked, and said, "Shhhhh!"

A farmer purchased a rooster and was surprised at what an appetite for sex he had. First, he courted all the chickens on the farm. Then he was seen so wing his wild oats with the cows, sheep, pigs and turkeys.

One day the farmer told him, ?boy, if you don?t slow dow n, you?re going to kill yourself.? But it didn?t sl ow the rooster down at all. One day the farmer came out of his house and sa w the rooster lying spread eagle, feet in air, and his tongue hanging out h is mouth. The farmer was mad and walked up to him.

?Dagnabbit, I told you that you?d kill yourself if you did n?t stop. Now you?re dead as a doornail and ready for roost er heaven, ya bird brain.?

The rooster opened one eye and pointed up to the sky and said, ?S hhhhhhh, buzzards!?

On a cold spring morning `a farmer found a baby bird who had fallen from its nest. he looked around, but didn't see the nest or a frantic mother bird. Being to busy to look further and fearing the poor little guy who freeze he look around and stuck the little bird in a warm fresh cow plop to keep it warm until he get get back and look further. The baby bird was stunned by the smell for a moment, but quickly recovered and began to peep loudly. The farm cat was quickly drawn to the sound where he found a snack stuck with no way to get away. He snatched the baby bird and ran off to one of his secret hidy holes.

The morale of the story is he who puts you in the shit is not necessarily your enemy and he who plucks you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

You almost had me with that one... But everybody knows, :Bass can't wink......

News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently. ?This is amazing,? they tell the hen, ?a two pound egg, that?s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future??

?Yes, I?m really aiming for a four pounder!? says the hen proudly.

?And you, sir, congratulations,? the reporters approach the rooster, ?what are your goals for the future??

The rooster replies darkly, ?To beat up that darn ostrich!?

This whole political thing is about Cows!

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.

You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas

Humor Jim Davis Style

A cowboy comes upon a water hole. He spots a beautiful Indian princes bathing. He sneaks up next to her clothes and hides waiting for her to emerge from the water. He surprises here and has his way with her. The whole time she is yelling, "Wahoo! Wahoo! Wahoo!" over and over again. After he is finished she yells "Wahoo!" at him one more time as he rides away.

Later in town he wanders into the local saloon where he spots an Indian chief shooting pool. They decided to have a friendly game of eight ball. The chief is about to win, but he miss cues sending the 8 ball careening around the table to sink in the side pocket, and the chief yells, "Wahoo!" a couple times before heading over to the bar for a drink.

The cowboy hangs up his cue and ambles over to ask the chief, "What exactly does wahoo mean?"

"Wrong hole," replies the chief.

Superman is flying along one day, off to save someone from a disaster. As he is flying, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman lying naked on the gro und with her legs up in the air.

Superman knows he's in a hurry but just couldn't turn down the opportunity. So he swoops down and as fast as Superman can, Bam, Bam. Bam, has his way with her and quickly flies off.

A few days later he meets up with Wonder Woman and says, "So sorry I had to leave so fast the other day but I had to save someone." Wonder Woman say's " OH That's OK, as a matter of fact it was just about the best that I've e ver had. But I don't think the Invisible man will ever speak to you again"

A young minister decided to try to increase his revenue by increasing the number of services he performed and covering more area. At first it worked well. He was preaching at two churches every Sunday. Soon it was three. He was able to increase his revenue and perform some of the much needed repairs on his own humble church.

After a few months he decided that repairs were not proceeding as quickly as he would like so he decided to work harder and perform more services. Soon he was rushing around the country side performing services anyplace he could gather a few people to hear him speak. Churches, school halls, country barns. Anywhere. He was going non stop.

At one crowded school auditorium he rushed in barely able to slow down enough to grab the microphone as he came to a stop. He wasn't prepared, so he winged a sermon and rushed through the service. When it was time to pass the collection basket he slipped a dollar in to get things started. He had found long ago if people see money in the basket other people would be more likely to put money in too.

When the service was over and people filed out he walked over to check the collection basket to find the only thing in it was the dollar he had started it with.

Quietly he mused to himself, "Well if I had put more into it I probably would have gotten more out of it."

The town council had become frustrated with the total apathy of residents. Important issues that they actually counted on stake holder feedback to decide were being managed without the kind of citizen involvement they needed.

Finally one day the mayor had an idea. He decided to have entertainment at council meetings. A local country band one time. An magic show another. It worked. Townspeople were coming to the meetings. Many were even becoming engaged in the business of running the town.

At the last meeting they invited a hypnotist to attend. He was introduced and said he was going to try the greatest hypnotism ever. To hypnotize the entire crowd. It was met with muttered sounds of disbelief, but he began to speak in a level toneless drone as he slowly allowed his pocket watch to swing back and forth. The watch was just a distraction. A trick to so that people would not focus on his voice. In fact eh wouldn't have even had a watch for the act except that it was family heirloom given to him by his father. Tick tock... the watch swung and his voice droned on. It seemed that many if not most of the crowd were succumbing to his skills when the watch chain slipped from his fingers and slid under a podium. "Shit!" He exclaimed. They are still cleaning out meeting room.

So why was there such squabbling at the mathematicians and numerologists convention?

They couldn't decide how many Avagadros to put in the dip.

As some of you may know at one point in my life I was considering law enforcement. I did graduate from a "mini" academy (didn't actually qualify me to be a cop), and followed up one summer by doing ride-a-longs with a local highway patrol officer. We will call him Joe. (not his name).

The first time we got together I saw him make a couple minor stops (no tickets). I got to read some police reports at the station and we chatted a lot. At one point nothing much was happening so we went to check on the mile marker just east of Dateland. Joe thought it was pretty funny that people kept stealing that mile marker. Just west of Dateland is mile marker 68. You figure it out.

One day we were sitting in the patrol car at Dateland and somebody rolled the stop sign at the bottom of the off ramp. We lit him up and pulled him over. I left the windows down in the patrol car and sat back to watch. Before Joe had even gotten up to the window of the car I could hear the driver protesting loudly, "Come on officer. I slowed down. I looked both ways. It was safe."

Joe calmly told him, "Its a stop sign. Not a slow down sign. Besides if you looked both ways you should have seen the patrol car. Why would you roll a stop sign right in front of a cop."

Whining the man just repeated himself louder and louder in different ways. "There was no danger. I slowed down. I looked."

Louder and more firmly Joe interrupted the guy to tell him." Its still a stop sign. Not a slow down sign." "The law say stop at stop signs, not look both ways and roll through."

Back and forth they went until they were both yelling. I could see the back of Joe's neck starting to turn red. Finally he had enough. He reach in the window of the car, and dragged the guy half way out through the open window with one hand while smacking the guy back and forth across the face with his other. Hard. I could hear the slaps over the sound of the guy screaming "STOP! STOP! STOP! PLEASE STOP."

Joe yelled back at him. "Do you mean stop or slow down!"

Hey Bob and Jim,

This funny story telling is great!! There hasn't been this much fun reading on ASA for................. Can't remember when!!!

You guy's should meet up and do a tour some day. LOL

There was a day many many years ago. My wife wanted to go on a cruise. She asked if I wanted to do a 3 or 5 day cruise?? I replied that I needed a lot more time to relax the stress at the time. So we agreed on a 10 day Caribbean Cruise that stopped at a lot of Saints.

On the way back to the home port it was the 9th day. There was a Stand Up Comedian in the one of the lounges on near the fantail doing his thing. At one point he opened up to the audience to contribute to the jokes. Believe me when I say getting up in front of a crowd of people with a microphone is NOT my thing. EVER!!!

However, I had realized that I was so relaxed after not having to worry about work, etc. that I raised my hand. He called me up on the stage and asked my name, where I was from, etc. He then handed me the Mic. I was so comfortable with it all!!!

I told a joke and everybody laughed. He came over and reached for the Mic. I said, "Wait, I got more." He backed off.............. I told about two or three more. I then gave him the Mic and said "Thanks, I'm done." At the time it was a absolute wonderful feeling. My wife, would not acknowledge that she knew me.

Today, while reading all of your contributions, I can't think of a single funny story or joke to type. I can't even remember the jokes I told then on the ship. The best part is that(except for my wife) I will never see those people that were in the audience again, ever.

I guess for me, if goes to show my current stress level or something.

Keep them coming guys. I am not at least bored.............. yet. :-)

Les

Hey Bob. you're testing my memory. Every time I read one of yours, I'm reminded of another one. These jokes are from a repertoire of stories I had going back to the US Navy. Don't know how many more I can come up with

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's my registration card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

I owe you guys an apology.

Seriously. After a recent post I received several messages complaining about my making light of an entire class of working professional. I was insulting and diminutive and many people told me my story just wasn't funny. A couple chose to insult me personally, my ancestry, and many other aspects I don't care to share.

So here it is. I have rethought my humor. In this day and age its unacceptable. I apologize. It is unacceptable to even joke about it. There is no way mathematicians would be caught dead hanging out with numerologists.