Darwin Award Nominee?
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Posted by Howard Eisenhauer on March 6, 2006, 9:29 pm
Please log in for more thread options Come on, admit it- This is something you've always wanted to try :). ********** Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife? This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock **************** H. | ||||
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Posted by Leo Lichtman on March 6, 2006, 10:09 pm
Please log in for more thread options "Howard Eisenhauer" wrote: (clip) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. (clip) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 1. I'm SO glad you didn't do it to the cat. 2. "Heck" is too weak a word. It's okay to say "hell" under these conditions. 3. What did you say to your wife when she got home? 4. Did she laugh, or make comments about your intelligence? | ||||
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Posted by Carl Smith on March 6, 2006, 10:52 pm
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howarde@REMOVECAPShfx.eastlink.ca says... She was probably thinking "Uh, oh. Who's going to feed me now?" | ||||
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Posted by carl mciver on March 6, 2006, 11:08 pm
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| Come on, admit it- This is something you've always wanted to try :). | | ********** | | Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife? This was submitted | by | a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their | anniversary. Aw, that was a riot! I 'bout blew my dinner out my nose! | ||||
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Posted by Jeff Liebermann on March 7, 2006, 2:10 am
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On Tue, 07 Mar 2006 02:29:27 GMT, Howard Eisenhauer >Come on, admit it- This is something you've always wanted to try :).
(...)
Well, I did a mild variation on the same theme to myself. I bought a used Coleman lantern that has a pizeolectric spark gap starter. Turn the knob on the front of the lantern and the spark ignites the propane filled mantle. http://www.coleman.com/coleman/colemancom/detail.asp?product_id=5177-A52&categoryid=1010 Beats a match any day. Unfortunately, someone had tried to repair this one and put it together wrong. This is good because I was sure I could fix it. However, when I tried it, no spark. So, I tore it apart and found that there was a crack in the ceramic tube insulator surrounding the base of one electrode. The spark was working, but jumping at the crack instead of at the tip of the electrode. I rotated the tube so that the broken pieces mated and decided it would be useful to test the spark before I reassembled the lantern again. I pushed the button that hammered the piezoelectric element and immediately received a rather strong jolt. I forgot I was holding onto the hot electrode with my other hand. Oops. It took about an hour for me to stop shaking. Eventually, I glued the cracked ceramic pieces back together and reassembled the lantern. It works fine. However, every time I use the lantern, I seem to get a psychosomatic tingling sensation. Pavlov was right. -- # Jeff Liebermann 150 Felker St #D Santa Cruz CA 95060 # 831-336-2558 jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us # http://802.11junk.com jeffl@cruzio.com # http://www.LearnByDestroying.com AE6KS | ||||
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> over
> me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"